who knew "i drink your milkshake" would work as a pickup line
u know what's depressing? a picture of an owl without a graduation cap
the bank didn't screw up, i spent 150$ at mcdonalds last night
Right before he passed out, he said "Stuporman, coming in for a landing"
I swear if his heart was half the size of the cum stains he's left on my sheets we would have the perfect relationship
The swelling on my elbow and tongue means I may have cockblocked myself.
Just bought a beer belt to complete the Captain America outfit. I will do my part as a hero of America to pass out beer to the good citizens of America.
I just ate a dove chocolate and the wrapper said "chocolate: always your valentine" WHAT KIND OF JACKASS WRITES THESE AND WHY MUST THEY MOCK ME?
When did it become appropriate to call your mother the morning after? While still naked in bed? WHEN?!
No cash. I had to buy four bowls of soup to meet the credit card limit. I'm not even upset. SO MUCH SOUP.
Yeah we were on bar number 7 on our bike trail and you decided to steal my bike and we found you 20 minutes later eating Cheetos in the shallow end of your parents pool
You're now part of the minority of friends who haven't seen my boobs.
I just read my D.A.R.E. essay from 5th grade. I'm having mixed feelings about my previous life choices right now.
I would cock slap so many things if I had a cock.
I’m sorry I pressured you for dick pics.
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