I woke up this morning with a bag of pepperonis in my bed.... and my facebook status was "pepperonis"
There was an audience eating triscuts and bananas in the bathroom while watching him puke. It was a good birthday.
yeah that always happens. i'm like the where's waldo of parties. i never even know where the fuck i'm at.
You were yelling at the cops across the street saying they were at the wrong party
You're going to the beach with me so we can have beach sex whether you like it or not. Get over it. Kthx.
Looks like a significant portion of my drinking money just became legal fees.
We're watching a video in class about cheese. The scoring for it sounds like that of a Lifetime movie. My mind is creative. I've continued my own story in my head of a wheel of cheese that was raped and murdered. It's so sad. I hope they get the guy. Btw, the video is about marketing.
My mom had to physically restrain me because I wouldn't stop acting like a dinosaur.
He was like an artic tracker. Walked ten paces from the tree, then 15 paces from the mailbox, dug down in the snow, and pulled up the case of beer he hid from his parents out there. It tasted like ice cold success.
Drinks appeared in front of me. Who am I to deny destiny? And by destiny, I mean free drinks, which appear by magic.
Here you are just trying to masturbate and I'm talking to you like your an initiate for some secret society.
I just explained my sex life to the "if you give a moose a muffin" book... Is that weird?
Speeding home on my break at work because I forgot to grab my Percocets that I have because getting through work sober's too hard
She said she is going to be sex-slave version of Princess Leia for halloween. You think there is any way I could pull off an attractive Jabba suit?
After my shift today I'm going on a bender. Not saying this so you'll stop me, just a heads up to invest in Tylenol, Gatorade, and Jack
Randomize
