nothing says happy birthday like half a tampon wrapped in someone else's hair on your shoulder.
So there is a chick dressed up in a vagina costume handing out free condoms next to the dude handing out free Bibles and preaching about sin. I love college.
I cannot convey how much I really do love Chris Hansen. FYI: he is the JC Chasez of my adult years.
oh awks just saw the head of medical staff who I punched the bottle of wine at
Please take a moment of silence for the fact that I still have all 10 fingers
this lady just pulled corn on the cob out of her purse
People like that make this world a better place.
I misjudged the power of my pelvic thrusting capabilities. His nose is broken. Thoughts?
that's the best thing i've ever said to a penis
I just gave an orange Froot Loop the finger for falling on the floor instead of my mouth when I was pouring a mini box of cereal into my face.
I had a dream that my roommate walked in on me masturbating and I hissed "I'm not stopping this orgasm train for the likes of you" and just kept going
Reminder: You could have had sex with me while wearing a tiara.
How do I have sand in my vagina if we were an hour away from the beach?
WAKE THE EFF UP THE UBER DRIVER IS TRYING TO TAKE ME HOME
Holy shit, add "successfully got stoned secretly at a party where a cop was" to my list of accomplishments.
I used to shoot steroids in my ass but for a totally different reason
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