I'm home alone watching The Hills seasons, eating pickles and drinking straight rye. I just googled "how to make friends". Probably not the most pro-active solution. Help.
In hindsight maybe we should have moved his homework instead of playing quarters on top of it.
if my college career had corporate sponsors, they would be natty light and aim toothpaste.
He put used condom on the handle of the plunger in the bathroom.
I jumped on his cock in 2 seconds flat. Thanks mom for sending me to gymnastics when I was a kid.
There were midgets. And vodka. If you don't appreciate the awesomeness of that sentence, read it again.
If there's so much of a hint of a whisper from somebody I didn't tell personally, I will cut off your balls with a chainsaw, cauterize the wound with a flaming rusty spoon, feed your balls to your dog, and feed them to you when he shits them out, capiche?
I was laying there trying to sleep and then he sat up, took out his dick, and put it on my shoulder. It wasn't even hard- it was just casually perched.
OH MY GOD I JUST WANT TO GO HOME AND FART ALL NIGHT.
Me and a 30 year old man are sitting in my bathtub in swimsuits drinking straight rum from the bottle. Don't tell me how fucked up your Christmas is.
He may not be fully over his current wife yet. But wait until I show him my tits in his office at the end of the day tonight.
Whenever I'm hungover I try to stay in public as much as possible, hoping to be a cautionary tale to children. It's a public service, really.
I just want a boyfriend who will have sex to Disney Pandora.
He put rainforest music on before we had sex I felt like I was in the Amazon
My sack is cleanly shaven and the rest of my body has been manscaped. i even put aftershave on my junk. i feel sleek like a fighter jet right now.
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