Pish posh, there's never a bad time to eat food off my body.
Your TV has the DVD menu for White Chicks permanently burned into the screen. I can't anymore. That's just a whole different level that I cannot comprehend.
She had a group on her phone called "great fucks". I was in it. It's almost like making the forbes list
i just won "most creative" category in the condom contest in human sexuality by licking it onto a cucumber. my feedback forms included three phone numbers, one with a Magnum XL taped to it
I feel like everything I touch in this bar I'm gonna get hepatitis. my kinda joint
So because I'm off tomorrow that means your dick could be in my mouth majority of that time
Just letting everyone know that I am still alive after last night. On a related note, this is the 15th "I'm not dead!" mass text I've sent. You've got to celebrate the little things.
My mom has had 5 shots of fireball today and she's still functioning normally... She's just extra polite.
Ok. You have started something that can only end with a picture of the inside of my butthole. It may happen today or next year, but it's on my agenda.
For a man with no legs he was surprisingly good at doggy style.
I don't know whether to high-five you or stage an intervention.
What a better way to celebrate that I'm single by becoming a stripper and making $1000 in one night
Way to fucking accidentally drunk dial me while you're talking to and buying other girls drinks. Don't call me.
If I ever say "I'm never drinking again" just hand me a bottle of jack. I'll snap out of it.
I'm just too horny to handle empty house
I didn't really break out of the friend zone, as much as I blasted the doors off with high explosives and rode through on a grizzly bear...
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