Seriously? Do you have me saved in your phone as 'check every 3 months to see if she's single yet'?
Getting a high five from your dog when you're stoned is one the greatest rewards of being a pet owner.
I brought red and green boonsfarm to the white elephant party. classy and festive. I think this is what people are referring to when they talk about killing two birds with one stone.
It just sucks seeing everyone get flowers but me...
yeah, but they die. it takes a while, but they die. just like all of these kids relationships will. tequila doesnt die. its a live in the moment thing... like a valentines day one night stand. so long run, tequila is the better gift.
she won't be coming home tonight because she tried stealing a baby giraffe from the zoo
I was sitting on the floor of CVS chugging white grape juice until someone asked me to leave.
This might be the most awkward night of my life. And I had someone pee on me once.
Cuz last time you told me I was going to be shocked about something you got a hand job from a stripper in canada
Just saw a dude in a banana costume get beat down by a one shoed black dude wearing a kilt...paninis is such a shit show after 10 on a Saturday
Im laying on the couch wishing someone was here to pour wine in my mouth. I need an alcohol IV
That does it. We're drinking til we're pirates.
Just threw up in the trash can at my desk. I guess "beating the hangover" eventually leads to this.
He had a clap on lamp. So every time he was ramming into me, the lights kept turning on and off
Is someone on their way here yet? I'm way too tweaked to be here alone
Are you rolling a joint while doing homework?
No, I am rolling a joint with my homework.
Randomize