hot pretzels for dinner, snacks, and now breakfast...oh to be a poor college student...everyday is like a carnival.
then they caught me trying to hide the turtle in the fridge
At least we kept it together. It's people like him who yell at bushes that give acid a bad name
it's ok. you also told me I can feel free to vomit on your blow dryer sometime.
Its official the day you get back into town we are having a going away to jail party for me. My last wish before prison is to shit faced drunk with you, get into a fist fight, and then cuddle up and fall asleep. Just like old times <3
There's nothing like telling your girl to hold your pants while peeing on your neighbors door
Last night I passed a kidney stone as I came inside her. Worst. Experience. Ever.
I have this rep as a wingman for a reason. I'm like a poon caddy. "You might want to use a 9 iron on this hole. "
All of my Tinder matches have neck tattoos. It's like God wants me to go to jail again.
I have chicken nuggets, lube and brand new batteries, he can stay at work charting all weekend for all I care, I'm set.
How did i get home and why am i wearing someone elses shorts?
1. Not sure how 2. You showed up naked, we had to dress you.
Bruh, I wanna absorb into the deck.
I wanna become a plank.
God I love xanex.
The only thing I remember is the 300 pound man breaking ur railing from sliding down it at 3 am. Must of been a good night.
last night you made out with a 19 year old on a bar and i woke up with a swede in my bed. lets just say that never happened.
Stand and applaud for me. I have successfully masturbated in a Walmart changing room with the door wide open during normal business hours. I lead a very Charmed Life.
Randomize
