Just told the nurse I wouldn't get on the scale. Told her to write FAT.
Girl next to me just said "as a guy I used to sweat but not I don't. it's awesome" Oh. My. God.
I was giving him a blow job in the kitchen, but it was uncomfortable. so i took the oven mitts and used them as knee pads.
Don't tell me i'm not fucking resourceful.
his grandma walked in on us. twice. and he was truly fucking surprised when i put my pants back on.
Fine then. I'll just do all this coke on my own this weekend and die. It'll be strictly your fault.
Three questions... How drunk were you? How long until we can make fun of you for this? Do you even really need a spleen?
That one life defining moment when you catch yourself pouring whisky into your hot chocolate at 4 am, whilst crying and talking to your dog.
I walked into the kitchen and twelve of them were just staring at the oven. Freshmen are the weirdest drunks ever.
The cops walked in and cracked up bec he was passed out on the couch in a pink tutu.
We have such limited time together he literally sends me text messages that are like "I sent my roommates on an impossible quest, we have 15 minutes." it's that bad.
He showed up at my door at 3 AM wearing a Santa hat with a tiara attached.
Still dying that you shit outside
It's disgusting. He breathes through his mouth and just sounds fat. Plus he chews all loud and shit.
Would you go as one half of Harry and Lloyd in Tuxes to Aaron's wedding?
Nothing warms my heart more than the sight of a naked hockey player in my bed.
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