I'm texring you during a blow job. She thinks I'm looking shit up. Fml. Ftw.
he spent the whole night trying to convince me into a2m. i won't even use the pb til i clean the jelly knife. i love him but it's not going to happen.
whats wrong with me. i have a coffee mug of wine in the library and i'm doing homework
the line runs infront of fredricks of hollywood. it's like gamestop is showing me how pathetic I am.
Just snuck alcohol into the hospital for my mom.
he prob just wants to be friends and here i am photoshopping our kids
The cops just showed up and arrested her. It's our 2nd date. Do I have to hang out her with her 3 kids until she makes bail or can I leave?
Just did a slip and slide down a five story staircase in my dorm. Being an engineer is fucking awesome
I'm pretty sure I had my drunk fortune told by a gay Miss Cleo last night. At least it's advice sober me can agree with.
I think I'm in love. He's everything I ever wanted for myself, just with a lot more drugs.
I'm going to text my booty call and tell him nevermind, that I got the job finished by myself. That will teach him to text back faster.
This lesson is brought you by a psychology class.
so my pro life roomate found a used condom wrapped up in her sheets with your panties. never letting you have sex in her bed again
Those drunk pictures you took of me? My mom is showing those to my grandparents.
That broad from the bar put her name in my phone as "The girl I'm going to marry in 10 years".
I guess I called her at 2am, demanding that she bring us food. She told us to order pizza, and I yelled "DON'T MENTION PIZZA!" I recall nothing.
Randomize