I don't believe in a God but I'm almost positive I just shit out the devil.
someone get that fucking seahorse.
yea ive hooked up with like half those guys
and i've hooked up with the other half...when our powers combine, we are captain slutbag
I'm so high I used the top vent on my dashboard to heat up a cheeseburger
I'm thankful she wil die Alone. And I'm thankful I slept wiht her cousin. And brother.
He made me a "booty call of the year" award.
Not only is he in the circus, the man survived a near death experience and has an accent. She might as well have found a unicorn. This shit just doesn't happen in real life. Where did she meet this magical creature?
I just got my beard fondled by a drunk chick outside the venue. I feel slightly violated. And I think her boyfriend wanted to fight me.
She shit all over my seat. She is not allowed in my car under any circumstances. Not even with drugs. You can't forgive a shit.
In other news, last night I told somebody they made eczema look so good they should call it sexzema.
You peed on a pole and declared to a cop that it was your pole and yelled at him to not even look at it, and then yelled at all of us for looking at it.
yeah, never be friends with someone with shitty eyebrows.. they obviously already make poor life choices
I wanted one last NYC adventure and I got it. Now I just have to figure out a polite way to wake up the pantless former stripper illegal Russian immigrant street violinist chick currently in a vodka coma in my bed.
She rode me wearing nothing but a Santa hat. Merriest fucking Christmas!
I might be drinking a 4-day old opened beer on a Wednesday. You're in no position to judge me.
It would have only made it one day at my place.
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