don't bother texting me at 10. my pants WILL be off and I'm not putting them back on to come see you.
just heard 2 nerds making fun of a girl for mispronouncing stochiometry. they followed it up by discussing the mathematical equation for getting laid. my day just became 100x better.
I am pretty sure I told him the clouds were earth's purest filtration system and that snow was the rarest and most delicious water in the world. My lips are burning because we ate so much.
I slept with him to see his dog one last time
I was greeting people at my door feeding them jello shots out of an ice cube tray with a spoon.
You should seriously consider super glueing your knees together
The power of my vagina can withstand any attempt of celibacy
Im drinking in homer but I guess Egan got arrestest on an "assault by water ballon" charge but tom actually threw the water balloon in question at the bartender.
I passed out drunk and Jane had created a picnic on my chest. I had chips and a hamburger laid out on my boobs. The only reason I woke up is she was trying to feed me too.
I like you as a friend, but I'm in love with your dick.
didn't realize her mom was home while we were fucking, but she's oddly okay with it. she made us food afterwards. but then kept talking about having grand kids the whole time. is it time to bail?
When God was sprinkling self control to everybody, he ran out and was like ehhhh she'll make it!
I don't trust his life but I trust his penis.
My life has come down to me literally sitting on an uncrustables trying to defrost it because I’m drunk alone and hungry.
I was puking for like ten minutes when I realized my parents were fucking in the shower and were afraid to come out
She really wants to hug you. With her vagina.
Randomize
