i'm having a wet tshirt contest with myself and yet i'm still losing
and this is why i am such an inspirational person, i am the Joel Osteen of alcoholics.
i never told you how having a club foot got me laid
There are rumors he has a square penis....ill do anything though....
Ate lunch. Still drunk. Keep forgetting I'm in Texas but then I look around at the people and remember.
Yeah but the gay hasidics turned out to actually just be real gay hasidics
Just so everyone's clear, it was already on fire when I got there.
Just got blown in a rental car. I need to get rear ended more often
I just tried to text you by typing "whoa" into my contacts.
It's like refusing a bong hit from michael phelps... You just can't do it
I can't wait till we are old and wrinkly and I can turn to you and ask, "Remember when you Rick Jamesed the shit out of that couch??"
I'm laying here half naked telling him I'm eating gold fish to change the subject of hookin up cuz I don't wanna put pants on
Being with her was like shitty sexual fear factor big ass sausage nipples over sized outty belly button i was scared and drunk tell know one
You have to give it to him that he fucked me out of the dull weekdays.
He was all “please don’t bail because I’m missing work for this” last night
Honey no, I need dick. I’m not going to bail
Randomize
