I just caught myself dancing like an old lady in the shower. Have I reached the age where booty dancing stops and swaying of the upper body begins?
Rode a jet ski for the first time three days after I lost my virginity. Hell of a week for my vagina.
She took a break from repeating "my face is still buzzing!" to say that the phantom of the opera could be here
I'm fucking an ugly guy. Don't come home.
well now I have to
I feel like my teeth are sweating.
can you blow me for old times sake
only for old times sake
My time here is complete. I think I have now thrown up in every major degree programs building
He better not be in your backpack
I just realized I'm currently not eating carbs, drinking alcohol or having sex. 2014 is off to a horrible start.
He was trying to talk to me about standards while he had a french fry box on his hand like a glove and was using it to flatten his cheeseburger.
do me a favor, I need this weekend off so can you work your magic and blow my boss again?
Correction: Jimmy johns. The one pita pit employee has been an asshole to me ever since you locked them out of the store
She wanted to get out of there before you guys woke up so she wouldn't let me find my underwear. Lol So I apologize to whoever finds that in your room.
the woman that waxes my lady parts just hugged me...
were you wearing pants?
no.
Does it look too obvious if I buy wine and candles!?! In my defense there is a gigantic snow storm coming.
Randomize
