I cant date a girl that sucks dick at sucking dick
she definitely blew him on the riverbank, some lady floated past and said "have some pride honey", amazingly awkward
Burnt myself on soup.. consencus go back to hospl. they will lov me. twins in one nigh. still hve band on. fuck
i would have thought, that you two being my best friends, one of you would have atleast tried to catch me before i hit the ground after blacking out.
Who is Katie and why do we have her birthday cake?
He told me my butthole was like "Narnia" and that it's a wonderful place he would like to visit.
I swear to god he's making pineapple onions and cheese. He thinks he's making eggs onions and cheese
Also CANADIAN LIPS TASTE OF MAPLE SYRUP AND APOLOGIES. SORRY.
I arrived home at 7am wearing nothing but my underwear and a fedora. I ate half a dozen deviled eggs. Put Katy Perry on repeat. And cried myself to sleep. We cannot go out on Thursday anymore
Was asked out on a date tonight on Linked In. That creepy genius at apple that touched my butt one time in the back stairwell. I thinks it's fair to say I've hit rock bottom.
I'm wearing sunglasses around my house. Douchebag status. The hangover is real.
My vagina has a mind if its own. Can you imagine if I didnt have you to run her ideas through.
In other news, the one guy I DIDN'T have sex with in High School is now famous.
Never underestimate the power of titties
I've realized that my life is a cycle of high that is only broken by sobering up at work, which only happens because I can't smoke more
Randomize
