i just bought a vibrator and the cashier says "have fun with that." i didnt realise what he said so i responded "you too." and then he gave me his number...
im going to pretend im pregnant so i can eat a lot then i will accidentally fall down the stairs
I just heard a woman call her child a butt face. Repeatedly. He's crying now. I love walmart.
no today was horrible, i woke up and somebody slit my car tire and left an apology letter in my wiper that said "sorry wrong house"
his mom walked in, looked at me, sighed n nsaid 'when are u gonna learn' n walked out
it's like a replay of two fridays ago...except not in a motel and i'm not having sex in the shower.
He tied my whole arm, in its cast, to the headboard first. He mumbled something about safe, sane, and consensual?
You kept screaming how great you were at drawing poptarts and you insisted on drawing them all over my forearm
We still going to Happy Hour
Idk. I can't because it doesn't fit in my schedule of sleeping or throwing up
I have one of those hangovers where you visualize how awesome it would be to climb in your fridge and drink glacier water
You were drinking whiskey from a beer bottle i dont know what you really expected...
I just spilled grey goose in my hair. You could say I keep it classy for the family Christmas parties.
I got so high that I ate a protein bar while in the shower. I then proceeded to leave half the protein bar and the wrapper on the ledge in my shower. Haha oh well.
Like I'm not tryna become president or marry a doctor or some shit here, like one level above garbage is all I'm asking for
I swear it’s like he’s filling my soul via my vagina
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