So for two years my friend Mark has been building a catapult in his basement. Yesterday he realized it's too big to get it out.
You need to give me a reason immediately why he is your friend.
If you bang a chick other than your girlfriend while playing tiger woods on xbox I wonder if an accomplishment would come up...
There is so much to learn about oneself from autofill.
hey i found one of your nipple clamps under my couch, i miss you!
He rode my dog to the bathroom and wouldn't stop laughing once he got in. It was scary.
Gonna send a picture of my negative pregnancy test with the message "Merry Christmas" to the guys I've been sleeping with. That alone, will put a huge dent in my shopping list of gifts for people.
Also I legit had a girl at my bar crying tonight saying to her friend "why did he have to take his top off ?"
She face-timed me on the toilet. My dick is never going to recover from that.
Winning pick four numbers were just 6969... if I were 18 I could've won 20,000 dollars.
Young lesbians are the worst. And also what got me through high school, sooooo
I'm gonna look back at these days one day and be like "damn I shoulda been turnt but I was in bed instead watching netflix"
I'm getting "congrats on your engagement" shots. I need to get engaged more often!
I'm just to the point my give a fucks is so far in the red that I'm going to have to take out a 30yr loan of fucks to repay it
As he put it in he shouted "geronimo!"
Wow... So was the sex good?
Yeah but it doesn't matter. My vagina is not a pool.
Soooo, hypothetically, how long would roommates have to sleep together before its considered dating...
Randomize
