no one will drink with you if you continue to listen to beyonce
Okay my swimming class is like the fatass/diabetic guide to losing 2 pounds by christmas
My passouts and memory loss are great training for when I have alzheimers. You'll know where to look when I get lost.
btw, do you remember scaling that porch last night?
Well, they emptied out the keg by the third kegstand for America.
He was sleeping, but the way he was made him look like an adorable, fuzzy penis
If I get there and all he has for my big valentines surprise is his body, I'm dumping his ass and posting his dirty pictures on a porn site so people can laugh at him.
Han Solo would be ashamed of me.
That hot shower felt like it washed away all of my problems... Except being pregnant... Ps just found out I'm pregnant. Fuck.
I also told the pizza delivery guy that he smelled good. I must be ovulating.
Why does 2015 have to start with so many regrets?
The struggle bus has heated seats and stops at Dunkin on Friday mornings so I'll be okay.
I just had sex with a man wearing a Darth Vader helmet....he pressed the voice button the whole time that said "I am your father". I don't think I can ever come back from this
She was screaming and crying about how she couldn't find her middle finger. Then, she threw her body on to the pavement. Thats the last time we buy a freshmen a handle.
Slept in and having coffee. No sounds of whipping and no veiny dildos next to me. This is good. How's your mornin?
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