just threw the rents a curveball by making french toast and bacon when i came home sober. good luck tellin when im high/drunk now.
Correct me if I'm wrong here... but did we serenade each others breasts to "winds of change" last night?
you know it takes a lot for me to use utensils conservatively
She didn't even ask about the dinosaur pinata in my trunk. Like at this point I think these are the things she expects from me
AND OMG I HOPE YOU ARE GREAT WITH CHILD. COOK THAT BUN!
Too bad you can't keep me under your desk. You'd love that wouldn't you? Massages, blowjobs, and I'd be forced to be quiet all day.
how exactly do you say, "i only agreed to meet you for breakfast because i thought we could go to your place and fuck afterwards."
Seriously dude...who threw up on Michelle? She's been crying for like an hour
She wouldn't eat a clam- if you blow a line pregnant you can eat a clam
What is more embarrassing, shitting yourself in Mexico or having sex in a forest preserve with a 19 yr old? This is crucial research.
The only people who will bring me pizza or tacos want a commitment and I'm hungry for food not their love.
He dropped some cash when he got in my front seat upside down. And a hat. I'm keeping them as retribution for not remembering that he had sex with me once before. Although, if he didn't have his dick pierced, I wouldn't have remembered either.
How have you been? I haven’t talked to you since you dyed your pubes.
All I remember is being in the middle of the road puking and my bestfriend cheering me on from the passenger seat...
like, there were so many other better not terrible choices you could have made, so i'm honestly baffled that you managed to fuck up that bad
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