goodnight i made you a song goodbye
so i stopped by cvs on the way home this morning, turns out hallmark doesnt make an im sorry my friend puked on your friend card, call me if were still speaking
you hand the children out the window. i'll pour the drinks.
I will give everyone a free pointer today. Here it goes, always pee by the house late at night to avoid getting shot by drunk bastards with guns. Never go by the tree line.
I think you missed the wrong class. Im pretty sure we were taught how to buy cocaine.
he swears he got herpes from a bowl of soup
I bruised my spine.. Jungle gyms were clearly not meant for sex.
I got concerned once i realized you weren't there to hear us having sex. See I do worry about you.
She broke both of her ankles trying to jump off the balcony. it's like every time she drinks she makes even more impressively bad decisions than the last time
... Already stepped in vomit and got a dirty look from a fat in a neck brace
I just brushed my teeth. In the car. With watered down Sprite. From Saturday. Multi-tasking at its finest.
I have no idea. I think this is what happens when people take drugs in the middle of the day
Just saw the mall santa roll by on a rascal scooter holding a chic-fil-a milkshake and stop to chat up trio of cute 20-somethings. New hero.
You bring me burritos. Of course I text you during sex
I told him he had to put his dick inside of me at approx 1159 to ensure it was birthday sex. i was 19 when he entered me.. came out 20. winning.
Randomize
