I had five suicidal voicemails from him when I woke up this morning. They all started and ended with "DON'T FUCK MY ROOMMATES".
It was only one, it doesn't count.
I feel compelled to tell you that I woke up this morning and found an entire corn on the cob in my purse. Ive decided not to question my drunken behavior anymore, and to just accept it as my lifestyle.
His roomates just started party boying me. He stood there with the look of horror on his face.
He said he was trying to live vicariously through me. I didn't have the heart to tell him that meant he was vicariously fucking his best friend.
Sign out of Gchat. Right now my gchat list is entirely girls I've slept with.. and you. You are fucking up my gchat chi.
He never broke character while fucking me on the neighbor's lawn. I give him a 10 for his dedication to the British accent.
I DONT UNDERSTAND NIPPLES. THEY JUST POP OUT FOR NO REASON
Well somebody's had a rough day, nipple-wise
That rando I gave head to on the beach just endorsed me on LinkedIn for Oral Communication Skills. So there's that.
There are some things you can ever unsee. And walking in on your dad jerking off is one of those things.
Hi I'm on my way to give you multiple screaming orgasms and Easter candy
Blacked out and Irish exited last night. At dinner. On a Sunday.
About to go make a man out of a 24 year old boy
As I shove my ninth taquito of the day into my mouth...
Picking our battles
Fantasizing about the apocalypse is fun and shit until the conditions that could lead to one suddenly seem feasible
i've hit rock bottom. Eating pringles and playing taylor swift on guitar in my underwear at 11am on a wedensday morning. Sober.
You don't know happiness until you've got to smoke weed inside taco bell and then eat all you want for free
Randomize
