Fantastic night. drank beer from a wine bottle, danced on a van, chased a llama, and fell from a fence
You tried to call the hospital and left a voicemail asking if you could be put on the liver transplant list as a "pre-caution"
A stranger just came up to me and asked why I hadn't texted him, and if he was just a one night stand. I live for these moments.
I am too hungover to address any of this right now, every time i move it feels like i'm being bitch slapped by the hand of God
Ok if you are accepting my apology, please continue to ignore me. If you are not, please fill out the brief survey that follows, to help me improve my people relations: a) your a bitch please leave me alone b)your crazy pls leave me alone c) I never cared ab u please leave me alone. D) all of the above e) all of the above but I wouldn't mind still fucking u. F) who are you again? Your answer will not b shared and will b used in accord. With the law. TY
Look bro I'll go half per boob with you, we split her.
Listen man, there's two things I know about in life: porn and sound. On a day that I'm wearing khakis, I need you to trust that I know what the fuck I'm doing.
how do you casually eat pancakes with someone after they send you an unsolicited dick pic?
you don't. it's the point of no return for pancake enjoyment.
YOU CANT FOOL THE TOILET
I feel like my vagina was punched by chuck Norris, a Brazilian chuck Norris.
Was your bare penis on or around my blanket?
His face matches his life choices. Both are train wrecks.
My ex's psycho new girlfriend found my vibrator I forgot at his place. Apparently she didn't find it as funny as I did. 😂
his mom walked in while he was eating me out. and my vag was facing the door. luckily his face was in it.
Reverse road head. Sa-witch!!!
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