I caught a rooster roaming Edison Park then released it in the bar. They made me try to catch it again and somebody played the chicken dance while I chased it
I can't tell whether I'm throwing up blood or licorice.
In a world where you don't want your phone to pocket dial your parents at 2 in the morning while you're running around Florida shitfaced, Droid does.
The voicemail says i shouldn't bother ever showing my face there again, i don't understand
We visited your boss last night. guess you wont be paying the rent this month, eh?
I buy you gas. You blow me. Economics.
luckily my workout playlist doubles as a masturbation playlist.
Please tell me why your entire hallway smells like microwaved condoms.
I've never danced to a Michael Jackson song in a bar and left alone bro. Something in girls loves a guy who dances to mj
I knew it would be an interesting night when he showed up at my house on a scooter wearing a six foot american flag as a cape.
If someone made a breakfast cereal that was a cross between lucky charms and fruity pebbles and called it unicorn power with a huge fucking rainbow and a unicorn standing in a pot of gold on the box, they would be rich. Not only monetarily but spiritually as well...
If I wear a tail on Halloween, how am I supposed to grind? Maybe I will just wear devil horns
You want to know how I feel? I feel like Cady Heron pushed me in front of a bus last night.
well, mom whipped her new boobs out at the dining room table. So yeah you could say we had a pretty casual thanksgiving
my boobs just made me lose a game of beer pong. the balls hit them, bounced off and into the cup. twice. ive never been so disappointed in them.
Is it weird that I was turned on when he told me he had a vasectomy?
I knew you two would hit it off
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