Just saw cops pull over the ice cream truck. What a dick
it's one of those mornings where you are proud of yourself just for waking up.
this morning he rolled over looked at me and said "oooo, you look like i need a drink" and then put on his clothes and left without another word
I don't remember which guy I met at the bar is coming to pick me up. It will be like my birthday surprise.
Well, I woke up with a text message from my cab driver that said "I hope you're alive," so that's a good indicator of how I was acting last night.
I think he offered to cook me dinner or cook me for dinner. Not really sure. Just smiled and nodded.
I think I just ate eggs off of a plate covered in cocaine.
I peppersprayed myself last night. Sigh.
Just came so hard my back cracked. Other women are totally missing out if they don't masturbate.
you literally stared at me for three minutes and then said "hey this tequila isn't gonna drink itself, boss"
He was so high he started playing Twister on the striped rug. Then when we missed midnight he went on a screaming rampage about his New Year's Eve being meaningless. How do you think it went?
Sitting naked in my bed eating leftover Mexican food drinking coors light.. Can it get any more single than this?
It was like a baby arm holding another baby arm holding an apple grove. Fuckin huge!
There are 6 of us in a mini cooper and his maid is in the trunk...she needed a ride.
Like sorry your dick won’t suck itself?
Randomize
