No matter how drunk I am, I will take the time to wipe a pube off the toilet seat.
I don't smoke a lot but now and then I do. Weed and I are like still standing naked in a bathroom together deciding if we should blow one another or bolt for the exit. An awkward relationship.
I owe her a pancake or a second hand orgasm
whoever set the energy saving light timer in the lobby bathroom cleraly has no concept how long a work dump takes
I been sleeping but occasionally wake up feeling like tiny elves are in my throat ripping my esophagus to shreds with their bare hands.
Somehow, you made that sound extremely magical and not at all painful.
I normally need adult supervision or a babysitter, but I refuse to let someone keep me from making irresponsible and wrong decisions at the bar on my last bday ill ever have in texas
Yea no bueno and I only brought enough weed to last one night. And it was no Hanukah nug, it didn't last 8 days.
Hold on. At Sephora trying to decide what despair smells like.
Is it okay to send him a "thanks for the sexual awakening" note?
Which is worse that I came in public or that no one noticed?
he said "GREAT SCOTT" as he was cumming.
So I missed the eclipse because I was masturbating.
Do you remember coming over and asking for toast and then singing that yeah toast song very loudly while you were dropping my bread all over my kitchen?
Have you ever realized how weird it is to think that you've fucked someone and don't know what their handwriting looks like?
He fucks strippers and doesn’t have a life plan. Of course I’m going to regret this
Randomize
