If he looks like a Gremlin DO NOT get him wet.
my roommate just caught me washing a dildo in the sink.
and then you made a playlist that was just "party in the usa" on repeat...
She's walking around topless with a bottle of red wine, crying and singing showtune ballads. This is actually an improvement.
You started a dance party so that you could steal their vodka and shouted "sailors out!"
For when you/if you wake up tomorrow.. You broke 4 of the bar's glasses tonight and I am currently watching you as you ride the broom around the bar instead of cleaning up your mess. I am no longer able to come up with excuses for you.
She kept saying how cute and adorable I was. I felt like a care bear getting a blowjob
This essay is so getting done. I am spurred on by thoughts of test-driving your newly shaven face by sitting on it as soon as humanly possible.
I just got my hands on some dry ice. How do you feel about coming home to a mystical wizard toilet?
Ya, so he said he had to change before he would go to Pizza Hut because he pissed himself. He ran into his house and came back wearing a cowboy hat.........and his piss covered jeans.
Well I'm sorry but he seemed so happy being drunk at noon.
Go forth my little lesbian, get your gayme on
It was only in the sobering silence of the wilderness on the mountain, after I was too tired to talk anymore and I also didn't want to tell Julian that we were lost, that I realized how super tripped out I had been the entire time...
So last night took an interesting turn.. Never thought I'd say I had to pick up my glasses off the floor of a strip club
Maybe not Elvis quality pharmaceuticals...But some good stuff
She said she hasn't cheated on me in 7 and a half days and she'd like praise for that.
Randomize
