the doormen always congratulate him in spanish as he walks me downstairs in the morning
I don't want her to kill herself before she gets over me, getting mentioned in a suicide note isn't very fly.
but it's kind of a high honor.
according to the random from alabama i slept with last night i kept saying "poor lil tink tink" over and over in my sleep
He started to lose his balance halfway through his "commencement speech" at the top of the staircase. The rest is bloody, profanity-laiden history.
Just remembered I hit myself in the face with a bottle then did the nose test and decided I was still good. Don't think anyone noticed.
Mega depressed bro. Had the greatest sex with the hottest girl I've ever seen and in the AM she gave me that look I've given dozens of times. I'm her drunken fat chick fuck
hungover at the ER to get half my contact removed from behind my eye. Not the start to the weekend I was hopin for
Do you have any idea how horrifying it is to hear your sister and her husband fucking then immediately go down stairs only to hear your parents fucking....... I wish I was Hellen Keller right now.
Hi future me, I saved you a big mac under the bed.
Some fat latino guy has these 2 fat white moms making out with each other on the dance floor
Officially drug you out of White Castle last night by the hood on your sweatshirt after you cussed out the attendant and stole the satisfaction guaranteed sign because they were closed!
And then we felt it necessary to continue drinking for another 4 hours, yikes
I was dancing with a blow torch in one hand and a bowl of weed in the other
He was too drunk, and my mother and I ended up babysitting him. He told her I have amazing mouth skills, and that I love the "chorizo" he feeds me. All she said was "And on the list of 30 things you never want to hear about your daughter..." while gripping the steering wheel.Please just fucking kill me now.
He said he was Greek American and that is why my legs slammed shut. During the World Cup there are only Americans.
Good rule of thumb: only list personal references with whom you have hallucinated
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