We tried to make a sex tape, but we were hammered and she forgot to take the cap off the camera. Somebody starts snoring 10 minutes in.
Ordered a large pizza and definitely just paid the cab driver in pizza slices. I'm glad there's someone out there that's just as fat at heart as we are.
I have jerked off in every room in your house. *the more you know
Take in how we used all the shot glasses in the bar in less than an hour
JOY: That feeling when you crack open a handle for the first time, and the flow limiter comes off with the cap.
I WAS a history major. I also WAS a functioning human being. Fuck gin.
I AM NOT THE MAN IN THIS RELATIONSHIP.
It's shit like this that makes people think we're gay.
I immediately knew he was tripping, he came over with a grocery bag of snow balls and a bike helmet on and asked if I was prepared to die for my country.
Also my face is like def lowkey made of silly putty
Soooo you know how I said I was trying to be a rational adult? Well that led to me fucking a rational adult today.
ayo
its like you know when i get waxed
sarahs drunk and is drawing dinosaurs all over the apartment. should i stop her?
whats she drawing them with?
eyeliner
no that's ok
I can't get past the whole vibrator up the ass stunt.. Can we have a ceremonial burning for his dignity because I will not ever touch that again..
I smell like a mix of alcohol, sweat, and sex and its only 10 AM
You're like a care bear with a big cock & a sexual prowess that would put the mighty Thor to shame.
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