Oh. Im drinking alone in a banana costume. Every time youre feeling down, i want you to think of me right now and know that your life is better than mine.
She was ugly to the point i wanted to brush my teeth after looking at her
One day, tell me please to stop buying shots when I'm overwhelmed. I might have just broken a tooth
Are we really going to sext in Pokemon battle fashion?
I won the booty shaking contest by mooning the whole bar
Cry into your wine glass and then drink the tears, it's like the fountain of youth
When a guy wants to eat something off you and then comes back with microwaved strudel and custard, back the fuck out. I have apple-chunk burns on my tits.
Mainly I just wanna pet bunnies. And purple chicks. Well any color chicks if I close my eyes. But purple if I open them.
I'm closer to stabbing a fork in my neck than finishing this resume.
you should never start the day with a boob text. It can only go downhill from there
Oh my god the guy at DQ just gave me the number 69 and winked at me
We walking to the game and some random guy came up to to me and yelled "hey you're the whiskey guy!" And then high fived me then walked away
Anyways enough about genital fatigue...
You have ten minutes starting with this message to get here. Or I'm putting my clothes back on.
He had a tattoo of the Batman logo around his asshole. I noped right the hell out of there.
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