she fell down the flight of stairs and was fine until she saw the two broken beer bottles on the ground by her.
thats a woman
I feel uncomfortable when she gargles my jizz.
A homeless guy asked you to feel your boobs, you accepted in exchange for his broom to go with your witch costume..... that's when I cut you off
I'm way too drunk on a Sunday to handle this level of Jesus.
He yelled out my full name in bed...I felt like I was being scolded.
you should break up with her....give her the gift of reality
Next person that gets my dog drunk is paying to have my carpet cleaned. I am tired of getting up to pee and stepping in dog barf.
I also was calling every child by their name "Birthcontrol" - straight people are fun
Boys DO look like their dicks. Its like dogs.
damnit. I just found my cousin on tinder.
So do I get to ride the beginning of the November stache or what?
New vibrator arrived today.
How was it?
Who are these wee mortals we call men?
I'm still, like... really stoked about not having any STDs
you were so drunk that when the mouse on your laptop didnt work anymore you decided to just take it into the bathroom and pee on it while laughing like a mad scientist.
Just FYI: if you happen to notice a liquid of some sort on my kitchen counter with an interesting color/ texture, don't taste it
Randomize
