You know how you thought that you put on a condom last weel?
yea
turns out that you did...and i just found it.
We have a tower of vodka coming. OF VODKA
before we even ate breakfast we'd found an eighth of weed in some old purse she never uses. it was gone by lunch
Had to go see my sisters new baby this morn in the clothes I wore to the rave last night. Still drunk. Almost dropped it. I'll be a good aunt right?
It's a "nonproductive" (vocab word) cough. It's like a constant tickle in my throat, like there's a little elf with feathers for feet going Gangnam style on my "uvula" (vocab word).
I had a sex dream. With two guys. And my subconscious decided to put your dick on BOTH OF THEM. If there is a society where that does not mean "I cherish you" I do not want to live there.
You pulled out a fucking recorder and started playing along with all the songs on your playlist and refused to hit the j
You just sat there for two solid hours staring at your monitor and every five minutes screamed "LEGOOOOOS"
I'm taking a dab in mourning of how long its been since I smoked with you guys.
I was drunk, he was taking a bodyshot while avoiding my piercing. I told him I loved him. He waited until I woke up with my hangover to say he loved me too. It was hangover magic.
I have a strong contender for the new number 1 position for fwb. He met me at the door with pizza and a shot of patron
My new years resolution is going to be to stop drunk snapchatting old hook ups asking them when we're going to bang again
Can you please stop fucking every bartender in the city? Just once I want to have a Jack and Coke without fielding questions about your availability.
I'm so sorry to hear about your grandmother. Also how many grams are in an eighth?
Sooo, my mother is snoring, my ex is sexting me, the guy I'm having an affair with is sending me dick pics, and all I want to do is sleep!
Randomize
