nothing says happy birthday like half a tampon wrapped in someone else's hair on your shoulder.
Sex on a trampoline was so worth getting a mosquito bite on my penis
1 stripper is 160/hr. 2 strippers is 280/hr. it would be fiscaly irresponsible to only get one.
Sometimes, in the course of human events, people get lit on fire.
Just realized my talking to the tv hockey voice is same as my sex voice. Life just got a whole lot weirder.
It's amazing how much better one feels once you put something in your vagina.
I'm not a creep or anything, just a lost soul looking for a good lay
shattered his nose in 8 pieces. Blaming it on the dog. I feel more guilty about ruining the dog's good name than I do about ruining his nose.
You are very nonchalant about the high probability of us having an orgy.
Eh, I'm ok with this, this can work. We're the best kind of the worst people.
Lying on this bed is like lying on love and marshmallows and joy
I have 39 hot sauces from Chipotle
It's like earning obesity badges
He howled at the moon then told me that if i were a dog he'd have sex with me...either i look like that girl or i need to stop going on blind dates. Period.
good morning. i just did a walk of shame in front of his grandmother.
would it be awkward if i bring my husband?
only if i fuck you in the bathroom while he's paying the check
I can't take 'get a man' advice from you. You'll stick your penis in a warm banana peel.
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