I woke up this morning next to some guy. I was horrified, he woke up and said, "the white tiger strikes again!"
i wish they had a 'baby daddy' section in halmark, like, "hey, i know you didn't want this child and you're doing a horrible job, but here's to making you cry on fathers day"
I don't wanna hook up with anyone from minnesota
everybody there reminds me of mashed potatoes... white and lumpy
No. one of us needs a degree and I am already the alcoholic friend. I can't do everything
He just brought me a wine glass. Full of Tequila. Ignore any texts after this one.
I just washed champagne and tuna off my body. I feel like that was a successful shower.
She started licking your face, then you turned to me and said "I guess thats my cue", and you proceeded to hook up with her.
I think i smell like relationship. That's my problem.
Dude, he threw a pool chair off of an 8 story building. It was a successful night I'd say.
I just need to stop hanging out with girls who drink wine coolers.
If you sleep with another manager before the year is up you'll deserve an accomplishment sticker.
IM AT A ROOFTOP FUNDRAISER LOOKING OVER THE WHITE HOUSE I WILL NOT RUIN MYSELF
Far too many of our conversations end in us talking about sperm
You just managed to turn Dr. Seuss into a sext. I really like you now.
Yeah I don't think your wife thinks it's a good thing that you're fucking your cousin.
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