He yelled GOOOOAAAALLL when he came.
so he just left - touched my cheek like he was gona kiss me and then gave me a fist bump?
He was so confused why there was a string hanging out of my vagina.
did that guy on the oscars really just tell me to text a dolphin?
When they saw it was the 7th inning of the baseball game one took off running for the beer stand while his friend is yelling "BUY THE KEG"!
All I saw was a beagle come across the screen and explain the theory of relativity to me and leave
Just remember that she is a giant dick-sucking forehead and you are better than that.
I put the extra pregnancy test in my sex toys box as a reminder that my actions have consequences.
It's times like this I miss having my nipples pinched
Now I'm heckling that my belch is more exciting than their fireworks and I peed down the driveway.
I walked into a McDonalds at 8:30 am with a half-eaten apple and a solo cup. Never felt so judged.
It's gameday bitch. Man up.
I mean, that's eating your cake and fucking it too.
Why the fuck is there a goat in the kitchen
The gate guard just said to me, "I almost didn't recognize you in uniform. Welcome back." I think I need to lay off the booze.
My boob job is like a master key that gets me in any door, any party and anyone’s pants! They’re magical!
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