I have your camera. You have 35 naked pictures of me. you're welcome.
He just randomly started talking about Haiti and Conan O'Brien and his grandpa's hip replacement operation. It was the worst phone sex I've ever had.
I just watched a blind kid buy from one of the vending machines on campus...guess there's nothing like a good surprise?
You are colorful like whore, yet adorable, like sad puppy. You need more drink.
You came out of the bathroom, said "I'M DRUNK BUT I REMEMBERED TO WASH MY HANDS!" and then insisted that she smell them.
We're drinking vodka. Wine is for people who have to wake up in the morning.
I had a dream about masturbating with toys I can't afford.
My sex life and finances are equally in shambles.
He's socially awkward. He has a big dick. We've had this talk before, they're socially awkward because they don't leave the house they just sit home and play with it.
I swear that when we jog in the morning I can hear it slap between his thighs
Well I took a spicy wing shit in a field this morning.
The girl next to me looks like the young version of sara (bonnie hunt) in jumanji. I wanna be like PLAY THE GAME SARA!!!!"
Stay positive! You think people like sad vaginas? NO! You'll get some!
just realized we fucked to the ultimate disney playlist last night. hakuna matata.
I probably should have told her I was actually the drunkest one there before she let me pierce her ear
I went to the nurse and she literally told me I was too sexually active and wrote me a prescription for 7 days of pelvic rest...... Hahahhahaha
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