I swear god or herbie drove my car home
So this snow storm is NOT helpin my masturbation problem
Holy mother of cocks. I was grind-with-my-boss drunk last night.
The second I saw you stumbling down the stairs in a princess crown, I knew I had a friend for life.
Drag queen told me that I have the cheek bones to do drag. That's supposed to boost my moral.
I'll always be here to give you immoral support.
I think I've just evolved into some kind of vodka fueled monster
My dad found me naked curled up under a towel on the couch with a fucking tub of butter and a spoon. Ambien Mondays are dead
If we could give a gymnastic score to drunken nights, I would be a part of the Fab Five.
STOP WHATEVER YOU ARE DOING AND GO OUTSIDE RIGHT NOW. THE MOON LOOKS LIKE CATWOMAN
I can't remember dinner
Hahaha "rub in the ketchup on your face, It'll just look like blush." some gay waiter said that to you, and you go "good idea!"
I'm high, watching "Scream" and eating a grilled cheese sandwich off my boobs. I'm not going anywhere
Come on, clusterfuck. Put on a pushup bra and get your fine ass to the bar, or you will be a sad single stoner forever
I seriously doubt I'm gonna be able to properly put your dick in my mouth whilst upside down, but I'm willing to give it my best shot
I lost Mario kart three times but I got laid so it wasn't the WORST night I've ever had.
Here's the "to do" list i just found on my phone: buy stripper pole, make sex playlist, buy febreeze
Randomize
