I'm drunk in class and I'm pretty sure the bible freak behind me is saying a prayer for me
walmarts paint section shouldnt be open at 3am
apparently it isn't appropriate to tell a coworker who is eating celery because it's "negative calories" that a blowjob is too
hold on, were in the kitchen painting a yellow brick road to my vagina on my leg with black light paint.
She handed me her tooth and asked me to hold it so she could swim.
About six hours after the bottle of smirnoff, I was googling "losing your stomach lining" and calling my mom for help. She has experience.
My little brother just suggested we drink the rest of the vodka because it's raining. My job is complete.
I'm starting to second guess shaving my vagina over the kitchen sink. The lighting is so much better though.
That birthday blow job you ordered came in the mail today. I suggest you hurry home.
I though us hooking up in the field was your way of saying you were an outdoors person
I know. I feel like I should be doing mature responsible adult things though. Like getting loans, working 60 hours every week and not eating burritos in bed, ya know?
Never go with a hippy to a second location. I fucking hate Xanax.
DELETE THAT VIDEO OF ME MAKING OUT WITH THAT RUG NOW
It's 5AM and I just stirred weed butter into ramen noodles. This is not where I expected to be at 30. ...But, hey, getting high off noodles.
found a thong and $20 in my right pocket. it's going to be a good day
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