it was like watching bambi learning to walk, if bambi was 22 and a high functioning alcoholic.
As punishment for throwing up on my car, I am holding your phone hostage until the morning. You can read this message after I drop it off.
Just think, this time last Cinco de Mayo you were holding me up and finding me passed out in the yard of that house.
On an unrelated side note: I shall now attempt to crawl to the bathroom. Where I will lay motionless on the cold ceramic bathtub with hot water pouring over my shivering body as I desperately try not to vomit. Good day.
Trying to take a shit right now to the beat of the fuckin drumcircle outside... It's not goin well
HOLY FUCK COMFIEST CHAIR EVER
Goddamn you thin people LEAVE FOOD FOR THE BIGGER DRUNKARDS WHO NEED IT
Welp, dad and I drunkenly sang Christmas carols until the police told us to stop. I vote Xmas eve a success
Yeah. I made eggs in a microwave. I think that's an accomplishment this week, MOM.
to answer your questions bluetooth, 30ft, like a tampon, ask her, her idea, got tired of trying to find her in crowed clubs
Talking to a customer about getting high and staring at glow in the dark wheels while there is a cop in the store. Just another day in Tampa
"Nobody needs to know that I have a vibrating butt plug and nobody needs to know that I'm probably gonna start wearing it at work"
Can't believe we're making vacation plans with the guy we had a threesome with
I haven't gotten dressed in 4 days. God bless you, unemployment.
I paid for lunch, then he made a bunch of holes in my wall and destroyed my bathroom.
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