i fell asleep last night with fifteen animal crackers in my mouth. rock bottom dude.
She wanted to test if her costume allows her to still have sex in it. It does
My foreign exchange student got here today. I turned on man vs. food and told her that "this is all you need to know about America."
I woke up to a paper award certificate for best blow job and he was gone. You're welcome mystey man.
She's pissed. She declared she was moving out and proceeded to pack 3 pairs of shoes, her electric wine opener and ONE sock. Then told us to have fun paying her portion of the rent.
What type of outfit says "I know you slept with my boyfriend before and are also way skinnier than me, but I look better...somehow"
What bar did i puke in last night
by bar you must mean bars and by in you must mean on
I told him id do anything with him and he said angry pirate? So I said okay. Never seeing him again.
What's an angry pirate?
You dont want to know. If someone offers say no. Never ever do the angry pirate. Ever.
No sex in the champagne room. The champagne room being my life
You are the only person I have ever seen offer your other drink to the bouncer on two fors night
Bouncers are people too...giant angry people
It's 10:15 on a Wednesday night and my dick is covered in pop rocks. How's your Wednesday going?
I just spilled my beer on a five year old. She's crying but I can promise you I'm more upset.
You seemed underwhelmed by my smooth, smooth ass
I just hooked up with a one legged Australian guy. Hooray diversity!
I also tried to hide a bottle of vodka in a build a bear last night so that something that happened in my life
Randomize
