i mean, we fucked on the futon in the garage where his band practices. pretty sure im now obligated to like his band on facebook.
You coming bye my yot got egg sweet carilne vodklaa
Worst walk of shame everrr. Hopefully the thought of me walking 20 minutes in the freezing cold with someone else's sweatpants, a bra on & high heels will cheer you up today.
Oh god there are people jogging. Fuck off productive people, you don't know me.
I went down on her for 35 minutes and didn't even get a handy. I've never felt more desire to be gay in my life.
He professed his love for me while I danced on a picnic table with a bottle of Absolut. I said thank you and walked away.
She told me a motorboat isn't successful unless they come out gasping for air. MISSION ACCOMPLISHED!!!
I attempted to stand up and was quickly reminded by gravity that I am the universe's bitch right now
the bruises from climbing out of the window last night make sitting at my desk impossible. legit excuse to not study right?
I just heard myself say the sentence "I'm gonna go to the bank then take a nap". 8 year old me just slapped my present self through the space-time continuum for being an old fuck.
No apologies necessary. Just give me sex and Pop Tarts, and we'll call it even.
I didn't want to see any of his nipples and now I've seen all three. Thanks.
I just remembered touching your bosses wife's fake tits last night. Thanks again for taking me to your work function.
He finally left. I didn't introduce him to the roommate. The sex is bad. I don't want him to feel welcome
Just so you know sleeping with you is like skydiving commando in a flightsuit made of kittens
That's the most romantic thing I've ever heard
I just found your "it's drinking time" note in my chem notes. Why did this never happen??
I was waiting for you to find it...I'll be over in 5
Randomize
