I guess i tried to text 911 last night with "someone stole my bong." Thank god that doesn't work...
Took her home last night and it was like trying to put an oyster in a slot machine. I may have drank a little too much.
You sent her a pic of your dick with 'guess what you cant have anymore' written on it with a marker.
You do realize that we got a stripper to do the YMCA for us on the main stage... Right?
We had a 30 min conversation last night about whether or not to bone that girl with a lisp to see if she moans with one...
This is why i like single justin better. my only regret is not being present for more of his short life. may he rest in peace
At this point I will cuddle anything to prevent from dying alone
I decided I'm going to give him a celebratory fuck for his accomplishments. Knocked on his door, handed him some condoms and said "I'll be over tonight with sex and booze"
I want to be you.
He was respectful of both me and my One Direction calendar.
I tried to light my cup as a bong. I'm done drinking
I broke her handcuffs. I feel like an animal.
I just wrote my resume on the same park bench I got felt up at in freshman year of highschool... I've truly come full circle
It's best not to have your booty call on social media. So if they post stupid shit, you still want to fuck them.
So I slept with some guy last night and when I woke up in the am couldnt remember his name. I text him n asked "How do you spell your name?" to try n find out and all he replied was "With an A." WTF!?
The salt made it so good this margarita is touching my soul. I swear I'm not high BUT I want elote in a cup with the insides of a shrimp taco. I think that would make my life complete.
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