oh man you're gonna hate me when you log onto facebook. remember i love you
Life lesson: Don't give a drunk girl a dutch oven after having taco bell. She puked all over my pillow. Funny as hell though.
I just foul balled at work. I had taken off my coat too… had to go to the sink wash my hands then go back to the stall and pick up my coat. I hope the guy shitting in the stall next to me didn’t figure out what happened.
what part of covering your puke with shaving cream seemed like a good idea?
Pregnancy confirmed. Complete emotional instability achieved. I just cried through 95% of Avatar.
we knew we'd be okay when we walked up to the dealers house and he asked us to please be quiet as to not wake his nana.
My dad wants to dress like mitt Romney tomorrow night and tell trick or treaters they owe him candy.
I dunno if you guys are having weird sex or a most accurate bird sound contest but either way stop doin it
Who wouldn't want a man who can knock a guy out but also loves the bachelor.
It's the best of both worlds
Why is it that when I sustain a serious injury people are more concerned with my level of inebriation than my personal safety?
I pulled a muscle last night drunk dirty snapchatting him
Maybe I'm nitpicking, but that looked more like how one would jerk off an elephant than it did playing air guitar.
How do you delicately ask if your friend's dad was arrested for solicitation of prostitution?
You invented a drink at the bar and named it Boner Soup. It was like an even trashier version of a long island iced tea
No I'm not lying to you. I'm just not telling you the whole story. There's a massive difference.
Randomize