I'm sad I can't be there is wknd, I'm laying on the beach and daydreaming of you / crying a bit
I'm watching a porn and daydreaming of you. Sounds like we both need Kleenex
someone is gonna have my baby tonight. they just dont know it yet
I'll alert the authorities
just tell him i said nine months
we're taking shots every time my dog licks his penis. we're on number 8 now.
you should have been aborted.
You know how you thought that you put on a condom last weel?
yea
turns out that you did...and i just found it.
Just saw 3 10-year olds in business suits drinking iced coffees at the cafe. I'm officially a failure if these kids have jobs and I don't.
Only in college do people pre-game a meteor shower
I can blatently call girls sluts here and they think i'm speaking norwegian
My mail consisted of a box of dildos and christmas card from grandma.
I could probably do something when Im able to get enough strength to think about thinking about to stand.
Why do I always miss the parties you're naked at?!
I get naked cuz your not there
You were supposed to behave this weekend.
But... naked.
"She's seriously grinding on him while whispering into his ear, 'take me to McDonald's.'"
Apparently I have decided there are no repercussions for my actions
When you wanted to give that guy at McDonalds your number you asked the cashier if you could borrow "a pen or just like a straw with his blood on it". He gave you a pen.
Randomize
