Phrase i just heard while watching the U.S. open: "Boy they have really trimmed it well, this has got to be the tightest hole in the Open."
Flying into Chicago for a few days, getting re-deployed in September, we should probably fuck
Kristina got the same text from you just now, she's sitting next to me, how many people did you send this to?
I'm ready for this little girl to leave so I can hit the bong already
Dude she has the ugliest blow job face ever.
Do you think i can prewrite an apology on friday and leave it vague enough to just finish on sunday?
well.. I tried flushing my sandals down the toilet
why does he always try to puke into shot glasses
I just found a piece of glass in my ear from Saturday.
And apparently I was the one that started the drunken make out session that broke the window
It's gotten so bad I typed my will out on my phone in case it's over.
So I just noticed that my last drunk google search before going to bed last night was "ghosts based on gays." I have no idea what that's supposed to mean
Surprise court date day!!! Wake the fuck up!
I think I gave the bachelor party directions to the breweries next to my dentist so that they could take me to my appointment and pick me up afterward...
He licked the buffalo sauce off my fingers and then we had the best sex of my life.
My last Google search was 'can an impotent man have sex'. I don't even want to know what I did with that guy.
Randomize
