I just realized i haven't had sex in 2009. oh man thats embarrassing.
When he brought me into his room he showed me his James Bond calendar and matching sheets, and then told me that his goal in life is to be James Bond….epic fail. Mission Impossible. I was scared to take off his boxers to find out that they were also James Bond themed.
RUN LIKE YOUR JAMES BOND
she was left over bi-product, like the hotdog of the human race
the whole city is out of plan b pills. this is the meanest game of musical chairs ever.
some guy just asked me if water gets in a vag when girls take a bath. WTF. it's not a wind tunnel!
Today the house voted to defund Planned Parenthood but to continue funding NASCAR. I fucking hate everything.
Fairly certain I called dibs on your lesbian virginity last night
so why was i the only one who woke up with ham stuck to my ass?
There's times when I need to be plowed... and I'm ashamed to admit auto correct was able to predict that entire sentence.
Yeah but if you conceived a child on a park slide that would be pretty awesome
I asked him to tell me a bedtime story, then threw up on him.
He was gunna drive a half hour for a makeout sesh. Time to take the diapers off and learn about the wonders of the penis, dude
You're a goddess. Probably of destruction and dick jokes, or some shit, but man, lesser bitches wish they could be half as fab.
There is a goat eating lettuce out of our fridge. Do you wanna grab a bloody mary?
She super glued his penis to his testicles. And shaved off a good portion of his hair after he passed out at the party.
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