FYI, if you pee in my bed (or even let R___ and E___ sleep in it), I will fart loudly during your wedding vows. Trust.
I just found a 1/2 inch of mimosa in my shoe.
You should get more absorbent shoes.
is there a reason why there is cup of piss in the fridge?
no
How do I tell my mom that she just went to the gym with my water bottle filled with vodka...
Just had to pull out another loan to pay for that public drunkenness citation. I am so ready to graduate.
Breakfast tacos?
YOU ARE A FOUNTAIN OF GREAT IDEAS
You are very nonchalant about the high probability of us having an orgy.
Eh, I'm ok with this, this can work. We're the best kind of the worst people.
I'm texting an actual stripper. A male stripper. I dont wanna talk about it yet
This day took a left turn at "This is your going away party, I got a bunch of blow."
Nothing like a little " am I gonna shit myself " to spice up the work day
If last night was a preview of 2015, I quit.
It was the needle in the haystack of teary, unpleasant handjobs.
Know we haven't talked but having an orgy party on the 20th if you're interested. If not, disregard this text.
Who is this?
The uber man and I sat in silence. With my underwear in my purse and my dress shoved in the pocket of the hoodie the guy gave me.
I threw up soo much that I started crying. Then his grandma randomly came in and started rubbing my back...
Randomize
