been home a week and haven't blacked out yet. i miss college
Dont judge me. He may have been ugly but he was INCREDIBLE. He's like the Susan Boyle of sex.
the spit in my mouth is still 99% not mine.
Why did you put hummus in my pillow case?
I walked into a McDonalds at 8:30 am with a half-eaten apple and a solo cup. Never felt so judged.
It's gameday bitch. Man up.
Would you judge me if I made John grow a bush while he is in Cancun so he doesn't cheat on me?
At some point, you're going to have to talk to a tree and do what it says
Adulthood is punching a guy in the face when you find out he's trying to fuck you and he's married instead of fucking him regardless and believing anything he says
See I insist I'm not a groupie and then I say things like "will bang for a backstage pass".
it's like my ID runs away from me when it knows it's time for me to drink
woke up to find a case of beer in the oven and a random puppy in the house...guess i had a party last night?
I really just gave up on masterbating because I'm too tired. I really am getting old.
I took it as a sign from the lord above that she wanted me to creep on these men.
The guy i took home was a circus freak. He jerked off 3 times in front me after we had sex. And he came every time.
Probably some sort of karmic revenge for me looking at titties somewhere along the way
and for that you shall suffer
God: I won't strike you down, but I shall introduce your child to Doja Cat during a quarantine
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