I wanna passion pit in your ass
Okay you're seriously so fucking annoying its like having a baby
i was in the bathroom puking my brains out, a girl walked in and said "i just came to do the same thing" so i told her i would move over and share the toilet. its better than being alone.
she added me on facebook and her celebrity doppelganger is rosie odonnel. FUCK
at least i was responsible enough to take off my shoe and throw up in it
All I got from that conversation with the officer was "blah blah blah, you're disgusting, blah blah blah, $500 fine, blah blah blah, be in court Tuesday."
The problem with never associating with your roommate is that you never know if they're dead in their room with the door closed or just gone for the weekend...I sprayed some febreeze just in case.
oh no, don't get me wrong.. she IS really pretty. If you are in to horses or Sarah Jessica Parker.
Just saw a midget on a motorcycle. Best sight for a hangover ever.
I have a callous on the palm of my hand just below my ring finger that is entirely from opening so many beer bottles. I'm strangely proud right now.
its not that I hate him, it's just that I wish his penis was attached to someone i like more
I woke up in an apt hallway this morning and a nice lady brought me coffee cause she thought I was homeless
I didn't have the heart to tell him that the reason my vagina was so "prelubricated" was because I had just had another gentleman caller an hour earlier. So, when he commented about how turned on I appeared, I just went with it.
I just bought a mini nerf gun so he could make a bowl out of it, I deserve the fuck buddy of the year award!
Hey. Did I get punched in the face last night?
Yeah. I told you I would and you didn't believe me.
Randomize
