She came to work with 6 additional layers of make-up, playing every Nickelback song about explicit teen sex, and with a dozen twinkies she bet she could finish without chewing any. I'm investing in a rape whistle.
I mean I found and stalk his moms facebook.. that obsessed.
I just remembered I gave $20 to a bum last nite. Philanthropy events always make me do stupid shit.
OMG stoned with flashing lights behind me, I was freaking out until I realized I wasn't driving my couch
The only people who have said happy valentines day to me today have been 2 homeless people.
Half my face is frozen, my vagina is broken, I'm wearing only gym shorts eating a plate of mashed potatoes, avatar is on my tv. There's a naked guy on my couch whose name idk. I needa talk to you asap
We're at the hospital. She got a head rush and fell and now blood everywhere. Smoke the rest, just save her a bowl
No no, there's drunk and then there's 'spooning with lawn gnomes' drunk.
Do you think drinking vodka, rum and sourpuss out of a water bottle, in a class that isn't even mine rude?
It's my 3rd annual 21st birthday party. Disney themed. There will be blood.
I want to go to a gay rodeo for my cross country road trip. It'll be like my very own homo country boy pilgrimage to the holy land.
I need a new best friend. Someone who drinks like a fish, hooks up enough to raise eyebrows, and isn't afraid to admit that masturbation is the second best way to spend time. Someone like me! Help me put up posters.
Welp, I've officially cried in every Chipotle bathroom in the city. Correlation or causation?
When I woke up next to him on the living room floor, my glasses were broken and it felt like someone rubbed a cactus all over my vag
He literally ejaculated and I hit Uber
Randomize
