Hey sorry for feelin' up your date. Sadly, this is a mass txt.
Haha na a cat just ran under your car. Howd that happen?
Probably a woman cat. Doesnt think things through
The midget we rented got so drunk last night he got carted off in an ambulance
batman just walked across the sidewalk
lay off the drugs
no for real he was wearing a cape
they ran out of ice so they are using frozen shrimp in their drinks
My gynecologist just commented on how well my vagina was waxed
Why do I feel like I'm not the only one drinking to make my night class teacher look better?
I thought about donating plasma but thats not the way i want to find out that i have aids
She's walking around topless with a bottle of red wine, crying and singing showtune ballads. This is actually an improvement.
New definition for "rock bottom": Waking up in a puddle of your own puke, missing your fake tooth. Then having to dig through said puddle of puke for aforementioned fake tooth. Think it's time I quit partying so hard.
Is this your way of breaking up with me as my wingman?
We need to put it on a rope attached to the bong, so it can't be dropped. Apparently, you need a stem safety leash.
all i remember is walking in on u shitting and crying listening to shawty get loose. its safe to say this break up has taken a toll on u
you were yelling that somebody needed to take your bra off with such enthusiasm my first thought was that you were on fire.
Woke her up in the middle of the night with the smell from a fart. So proud of my colon.
Dreamt I had my own personal vibrator rep, who made house calls. I earned an upgrade to an electric model, since I was burning through batteries. That's it. Time for a bf.
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