From the crime scene it appears that I attempted to throw up into a candle.
hey dont come home for a while, moms drunk and is telling the story of 'how she met dad at that orgy' again
I was more traumatized by the table collapsing while i was going down on you.
This hobo said he can't buy alcohol bc he got in trouble bc a girl sat on his face when he was passed out and misaligned his spine and gave him Alzheimer's so Ali is buying him a bottle. This is Vegas.
I just had really awesome sex bent over the side of an air hockey table. That is all. Happy thanksgiving.
Since you're going to wake up and see one bajillion missed calls from me, I just want you to know that's a perfectly reasonable number. Now come downystairs.
When asked if they had been introduced, Damo said "No but I know we've pretty much fucked all the same girls in town"
Wait do we still get bagels if no one got laid
I know it doesn't seem right, but sometimes, bagels are just flat out called for.
she asked me to come back to her house where "hopefully her kids were asleep". that my friend is what i call a dealbreaker
All I remember is grabbing a random guys dick at the bar and him just saying thank you and us taking a shot together
I thought you might think I was an idiot who thought cock rings prevent STDs,
Shooting a bottle rocket from my penis was entirely justified. Twenty bucks is twenty buck no matter how you look at it
I wish I may, I wish I might, get some daddy dick tonight
had more orgasms than hours of sleep last night
Don't read too much into what I just sent. I love you, always have, but I'm drunk and sorry for the confusion.
Which part? The boyfriend or the sex?
Boyfriend. SEX IS ON!!!
Randomize
