So.. my mom just told me she hasn't gotten laid in 7 years... I'm really disturbed.. at the same time... At least now I know why shes so damn cranky all the damn time
Please don't tell me you're asking me to have sex with your mother.
nothing can go wrong this weekend. $1500 to spend. i have options for hookups every night. my backup plans have backup plans
Just realized my talking to the tv hockey voice is same as my sex voice. Life just got a whole lot weirder.
I just found out my mom named me after her fake ID from college...
Thanks for convincing the hot dog guy to give me one for $1 after I drunkenly dropped the first one. I loved your reasoning "I know you mark that shit up! I work in retail!"
he puked in my glove box, looked up at me and said "There's not much to say"
So I cleaned out my gym bag. Found half a bottle of malibu.
You know, I could pretend I'm shocked but what's the use?
I miss the time when Mondays weren't the new Thursdays. I can't drink like my 17 year old self anymore.
for the record, you never really realize how drunk you still are until you get on rollerskates...
The only pictures I have are of me being stoned or me looking like a man, which do you prefer?
Just tapped my penis on the head and said "this will be your year buddy."
I screamed so bad because I thought he was going for my sandwich forgetting it was in my hand
He posted a picture from Senor Frogs. I don't remember where that bikini came from and my sombrero is PERPENDICULAR. Safe to say it was one hell of a day
I mean we all knew i was gonna get arrested eventually but shoplifting is lame so dont tell anyone. Well just let them assume public nudity or something
Ya know. I was thinking of my slutty moments the other day and finally know which one makes the number 1 spot.
Randomize
