I woke up fully clothed on top of my sheets and i didnt even pee myself..so proud.
Alls I know is that his gf looked like Beyonce and he looked like Babar
His bookmark is a piece of toilet paper. No shame there.
There was a bottle of vodka and chips in a vase next to the bed
Someone please drive out to my house to bring me a beer.. There are some in the fridge but I just can't get up
When the cops pulled up I just stood flat against the fence with my hands up while yelling out,"I'm a tree!!"...
I also think about what hot dudes penises are gonna look like when theyre 80 and it's not pretty
eating jello out of the cup. with my face. while on the toilet. i am at my lowest.
Just set myself on fire a little bit. Made me think of you.
grandma made pot brownies .. oh god bless us everyone
Hey you're my best friend, I'm sorry I picked my vagina over my heart last night.
Cheese, the small of a woman's back, the universe, mountains, vampiric demons, sleep, and dreams.
I've turned into a small time drug dealer, now who's the real MVP.
Why were u walkin around mc with a toilet bowl lid handcuffed to u and carrying a stuffed Teddy bear last night?
Woke up way too warm in the middle of a spooning sandwich. Was working up a rant about still not wanting a threesome. Then I realized the littlest spoon was the dog. Might need to break up anyway.
Randomize
