im as drunk as the barefoot contessa. GET TO MY LEVEL
dude. stop pregaming the food network.
Tonight, I'm planning on being a bigger trainwreck than Britney Spears circa 2007.
The chick I went home with last night had a happy trail
I asked what she wanted from Hawaii. She said a baby like Aaden from JK 8.
where am I supposed to find one of those?
i think it was just a coincidence but she literally vomited the second she saw my penis.
I've already started drinking so the earlier you get out of class the more coherent I'll probably be.
Hey, this is a mass text. I have a hospital bill from November, and I don't know from what. Did anyone bring me to the hospital on a drunken night that I don't remember...?
It feels like New Years Day all over again...me trying desperately not to throw up in the backseat & mom and dad blissfully unaware in the front
They should just send me home - I'm literally doing nothing but watching porn and listening to pandora.
I just watched our fat male neighbor dibble a soccer ball across the lawn. It looked like Baywatch with diabetes
I woke up and there was pizza slices on the fucking walls of my room
I just shaved my "bikini area" into a fucking pizza slice
Somehow she talked me into getting my dick pierced, weird first date.
That cat I follow on Facebook beat cancer so we're drinking tonight in celebration
you made it your goal to puke in every planter around the union. you got most of them. im proud of you
Randomize
