An ex-gang member just asked me out on a date via note. And spelled dinner wrong. Win?
Anyone ask you how much a bj cost yet? That shirt is so whorish
I just threw up in the bathroom next to the zebra exhibit. The kids don't know I skipped a beat. Best nanny, ever.
I'm pretty sure blacking out is a coping mechanism.
the game I always play with drunk me is can-you-button-and-unbutton things? If the answer is no, go home. Usually it's his pants
Hey. I thought you were saving your 80s playlist til marriage.
My mom just covered me while I peed in the street. I love her. i also love parents weekend.
I won't be able to get a boner for a month
Challenge accepted.
i want to live in a society where a 20 year old can wear pigtails and not get them called handlebars, because i look fucking adorable in them.
I'm at a Tim Horton's and two girls just came in handcuffed to eachother
i ran into the Jo the housecleaner earlier this morning. i mentioned i had a little hangover and she asked what the occasion was.. i replied "Tuesday" without thinking. she judged the shit out of me.
I don't know what to say to you.
I don't know what I said to you. Start with that.
YOU'RE NOT THE ONE BEING EVISCERATED BY YOUR OWN UTERUS SO GET SOME DAMN SLEEP YOU FOOL!
One of my nipples looks nothing like the other...i don't know how this happened
are you still alive?
no.
i'll cry at your funeral. and leave a burrito by your tombstone
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