its been so long since i'vebeen laid i've forgotten what a penis looks like. When a guy makes me hot i picture him finishing the job by whipping a multi-setting showerhead out of his pants.
im starting to measure my showers by the number of beers i drink while im in there.
I have glitter on my penis. Do you know anything about this?
positive spin of the day: since my nose is blocked from allergies cleaning the puke this morning was much easier
Just got a blowjob on the pier where my great-grandfather entered America.
Sometimes I look at the people in school that are obviously very diligent and on top of their studies, and then I wonder why they don't smoke weed.
I was high and he had on a gorilla suit. Of course I had to take a picture with him
Your a disgrace to smokers everywhere
I made $80 at the club last night by telling him he was like a wild pony and I just wanted to tame him
On a not really funny at all but kinda brighter note I've gotten really good at texting in hand cuffs
I've got enough liquor to do one of two things on Friday: 1.) Drink myself into a coma or 2.) lay in bed a drunk and cry lonely mess. Happy Valentines Day.
Don't worry dude, I've created a sex logic bomb to stop that sort of thing.
Does your Fitbit monitor your liver failure?
I think even the taco bell employees judged me
I made a bucket list last night. Number 5: Will marry a wizard.
Her pegging playlist is all heavy metal so stay away if you wanna keep your ass intact
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