he cried for an hour, then he threw up on my lap then started singing party in the usa...opera style...
i forgot i changed ur name in my phone to "the situation" so when u texted me i got really excited for a hot second
i thought we decided on me being "the altercation" instead
Please sleep at your girlfriend's tonight
Why?
'Cause I wanna jack off tonight.. And you being in the room makes things awkward
If it involves mee putting on a bra and discontinuing my 11 am drinking my answer is a polite fuck YOU
After i finished him. He goes "youre a champion"... Then whispers "forever"
For the record, just because I'm a mess doesn't mean I don't know what I'm talking about when I give you advice. I'm way better at other people's lives.
Every single person in NY is either baking, drinking, or photographing their cat. Reporting live from Instagram.
On the train at 650am after a night of clubbing and running away from a new zealander who was buying us beers but also licking windows
I am having the most awesome nonsexual conversation about my vagina right now
Lock the bathroom door next time you are going to masterbate with the shower head, okay?
I was just power-washing my vagina.
You just managed to turn Doctor Seuss into a sext. I really like you now.
I just wanna be euthanized
Thas it
Also, we can't be seen together looking suspicious or sexually satisfied
Remember that time I came to London for 4 hours, got hammered, cried for an hour and then left.
Dude, I'm pretty sure I just drank iced tea last night and yet I'm still hungover. What the fuck is my body anymore ?
Randomize
